The hangman asked a young outlaw sentenced to die in Fort Smith on “Hanging” Judge Parker’s gallows if he had any last words. He warned the assembled crowd that “t’was strong drink and fast company that brought me to ruination.”
T’was fast company indeed, if not strong drink, that proved the undoing of many good drivers at Cumberland this weekend. Many a run that looked like FTD at the time it was laid down was ruined in short order by yet another, with coveted raw time victory and class wins decided among swelling number of contenders by tenths, hundredths, even thousandths. Increasingly at Cumberland, the list of drivers who could take the prize on any given day grows ever larger, and the slices of time that separate them, ever smaller. As usual, CACC continues to supply many of the aces in that fast company.
I spent all day Friday at Larry Casey’s, dumping the break in oil, changing filters, plumbing a remote valve cover/crankcase breather system, and having an in-car camera installed on the BDC, generally spiffing her up for her Cumberland debut. Departing late, I immediately encountered a field stress test for weatherproofness and overheating, as I hit a downpour and bumper to bumper traffic on I-70 in steamy 90 degree heat. I am pleased to report that she is watertight, and the Italian yacht wipers work fine. The rain that came in the windows and door panels sloshed several inches deep around the perfectly sealed footboxes until it washed over and out the rockers in sharp turns. For this very reason, we opted for no carpet in the cockpit and an all business waterproof non-slip coating.
I arrived to catch a rather subdued dinner at Gehoff’s with Chipper, Al Paca, and Koi Boi, after which we all weakly retired, despite the arrival of John Hubbell and Matt Cary.
The weatherman promised hot but dry conditions with a slim chance of rain as the speed worshipers gathered Saturday. The field included CACC stalwarts Weasel, Chipper, Fast Freddie, Mr. Personality, the Smiths (father and sons), Wayne Koi Boi, John Ass Fault Hubble and his faithful Native Bearer, Matt, your miserable scribe, and, initially, Al Paca.
The Smith Brothers in Paddock
Limbering up Before the ThirdAl reported a rear axle seal leak, and tried to effect field repairs, but eventually, gave up, and headed back East. I am sure he could have mooched a car, but opted for an unexpected weekend at home. Pity, because he missed some great close competition.
We were joined by many formidable competitors: Mike, Jake and Jen Moran in the Suxass, Tink Phillips and his Daytona, Brian Karwan’s SM Honda, Jeff Duncan in his Ultralight, Smooth Jim Harris in his Z06, Knotts and Teeter in the WVA Backdraft, the local thugs Felten, Honeycutt and Pfeiffer in their open wheel racecars, the Bane Mustang and Loper Camaro, and the usual pack of tough Corvettes, to name but a few.
Fred, overcoming a painful back injury, arrived in the nick of time with the Coupe’s spanky new CCW three piece race wheels, 11” fronts and 12” rears, mounting meaty V710s – 315s up front and 335s out back. My forearms ached just looking at those huge fronts, making me regret my decision to forego power steering in the interest of “road feel.”
Plenty O' Meat: BDC and Sister Daytona Thinking to please everyone and no one all at once, Mark Boggs offered up a combination platter of a course. Starting on the taxiway side for a change, it fed into some obscenely tight S turns, followed by a short, tight slalom, followed by a really tight turnaround at the terminal end. This opened onto a long leg stretching open straight all the way down the back side, to the kink, then another long straight, to a left hand crossover, thence to a fairly open descending radius right hander turnaround at the hanger end, back through the turnaround, a slalom along the jet hanger, into a sharp right hander, to the stop box. Horsepower cars that loved those long open straights hated the tight sections, and momentum cars that ate those up wheezed for breath down the long stretches.
First heat was a bit light, and finished quite early, with Herb Smith posting a sub-minute 57.4, piloting son’s Doug’s yellow banana-boat Superformance, sporting a cool fast Woodward 1.5 lock to lock steering rack. Will Teeter piloted the WVA Backdraft with its new Koni DA suspension to good effect, logging a best of 57.56. It also marked the debut of Ken Bane’s son, Michael, in the Bane fire-breathing Fox body Mustang. Adding color to the growing mod class cars at CBE, a new exotic debuted in first heat – a very much home cooked Kawasaki motorcycle engine powered Lotus clone brought in by Mountain Staters Bill Smith III and IV. We watched in horror as the rear wheels on this beast toed in alarmingly several inches on each hard turn as it buzzed by. With an unusually low steering position, the driver’s elbow was inches from the spinning fenderless rear tire as he fought to adjust to the dynamic alignment changes induced by the flexibility of his rear suspension. And we thought Cobra guys were risk takers. . . On the opposite end of the spectrum, we also saw in the first heat a bone stock Audi All Road, equipped with rooftop bike racks, running the course with the windows up, A/C on, and the “Girl from Ipenema” playing on the stereo, whose driver finally managed to find the course with the assistance of an instructor his last run. This tempting target would be Matt “Native Bearer’s” R32 VW’s quarry in D Stock in the second heat.
As the second heat took to the grid, rumors flitted around the paddock about another “mystery guest” Cobra driver. This time, cool technician Mike Moran would drive Hubbell’s Barneymobile in the second heat, with spouse Jen taking the helm of the family Suxass. Aware of Mike’s well-earned reputation for precision and speed, CACC’s leading drivers were less than enthusiastic about John’s generosity. Also featured in second heat action were several modified class entries: the open wheel Felten Reynard, driven by perennial local winner Matt Felten, the Pfeiffer Crossle, piloted by Shawn P. Felten surprised no one by burying the field with runs in the mid-52s. Then came unassuming Moran in the borrowed reptile. At first, he had trouble taming the raging dinosaur and punted cones, but things got interesting in his third run, clean in the 52s, a couple of ticks faster than presumptive FTD Matt Felten.
On Moran’s last pass, the air was ripped by the sound of Hubbell’s blown small block popping the rev limiter not even halfway down the back straight. The anxious CACC peanut gallery gasped in disbelief as Moran entered the kink at speed in third gear, and the not yet spent two season old gumball circle track tires hooked against all laws of nature and slingshotted him down the second part of the straight, for a 51.67 bar-setting fifth run.
On his last run, Felten, complacent no longer, regained his accustomed dominant position, but only by a scant tenth, laying down a 51.5. Jen Moran continued her 2009 epiphany, with a quick 55.6, putting her second only behind hubby in the fearsome XP class as second heat drew to a close.
Going into the Thunderous Third, -- which corrals CACC’s quickest Cobras – Chamberlain, Casey, Kelley, Smith, etc., Mudhen’s Snot Rocket, Duncan’s Ultralite, Honeycutt’s Reynard, Papa John Felton’s Reynard, Smooth Jim’s Z06, Brother Jake in the Suxass Subie, to name but a few -- there was to be no resting on laurels. FTD and class victories remained very much undecided.
So You're Gonna Let me Win Again, Right? Wade Larry and Gary Plotting on the Grid I confess that the third kind of went by in a blur. My forearms on fire and bulging like Popeye’s, I cursed Boggs and his sense of fair play, as I wrestled with 6+ degrees of caster and a manual rack the massive contact patches of the beautiful and powerful BDC’s new 315 mm front R compounds around the tight places of his devious trace. Driver after driver posted times in the 53s, 52s, and then the 51s. Mere slivers of time determined the ranking. For example, by the fourth runs, Wade stood at 51.86, Fast Freddie at 53.1 (his fourth pass on 52.7 marred by 2 cones), Larry Casey at 51.88, Doug Smith at 52.6, Chipper at 52 flat, Jeff Duncan at 52.39, Jake Moran at 52.45, and Jim Harris at 53.3.
Honeycutt seemed to have FTD and his third heat B mod duel with John Felten all sewn up with his 51.3, besting Papa John’s 52.5 and squeaking by son Matt’s 51.5. Then came the last run. Chamberlain displaying his heroic clutch driving, made the big grab for FTD and slammed the door on everyone (including the open wheel crowd) with an amazing at the edge 50.9, snatching the XP class crown away from the Morans, and relegating Mike’s borrowed Cobra run to second place. Fast Freddie earned the third slot on the XP podium and proved why he earned the name by with a last pass of 51.8. Duncan answered the call and dropped to a 51.6 on his last at bat, taking the uncontested D mod win. Smooth Jim waltzed over a contested field to a Super Stock victory with his last lap of 52.65. Gary Hughes’ 52 flat was in a class by itself, literally, earning him the E Mod win.
All seemed over but the shouting, until Honeycutt’s last run. But Chamberlain could not pop the cork yet. Defying all, Honeycutt blazed around the hot rubber tracks laid all day. When the lights flashed at the stop a 49.9, he broke more than one heart. In the end, Honeycutt took FTD, spoiling not only perennial rival Feltens’ hopes for class victory, but also the Weasel’s 2009 FTD. Mr. Personality’s 51.88 earned him fourth in class, Jake Moran’s 52.4 landed him in fifth, Doug Smith proved that he is now reliably esconced as a CACC XP contender, taking sixth in class with his 52.6. Tink, proved that I’ve got my work cut out for me to keep up with his gorgeous Coupe, overcame persistent cone trouble to finish 8th in class with a 54.2, followed by Barry Knott’s best run of 55 flat in the 9th spot.
The rest of CACC ran as follows: Craig Smith’s Superformance, 55.5, for 11th in XP; beat by a girl (again), your humble scribe dishonored the BDC, taking unlucky 13th in class with a 56.2, Will Teeter in the WVA Backdraft took 15th with a 57.5, followed by Herb Smith’s 16th with his 57.8, and Wayne Koi Boi’s 19th at 61.32. Proving that XP is not an all Blue Oval show, Rob Harris’ 55 flat in his C5 Vette took 10th spot, Jen Moran’s Suxass 55.66 earned her 12th, and evil course designer Bogg’s 911’s 58.1 landed him in 17th class position.
But the game was not yet up. Among others, SCCA ace Brian Karwan’s trick SM Honda Civic ran in the fourth, as did Shortpipe Hubbell in his repossessed FFR. Either could spoil the spoiler. Ex-Cobra pilot Karwan, plagued by pesky orange pope hats, logged a hot 51.66 clean last lap, good enough for the S Mod class win and sixth overall, but falling short of the day’s blistering pace set by the second and third heat’s pack leaders. Hubbell, despite his free look under combat conditions, did not beat his loaner driver’s times, but had some solid runs nonetheless. He finished with 53 flat, good for seventh in XP, and a 14th place raw time finish.
Just Say . .. YoIn other news of interest to those near, if not dear, to CACC, Paul “the Fluffer” walked over the competition to once again dominate ST class with his sub-minute 59.2, his fellow Zip Tier Joe “Mustang Boy” Oxenham took ESP handily with a solid 55.7, and Native Bearer easily defeated the bike-rack equipped All Wheel Audi to take the D Stock win with a 59.8.
At CBE, we care about raw times. This is the best measure of mano e mano car-to-car “run what you brung” competition. Saturday’s raw results show some astonishing things. First, and most important to CACC, of a field of 83 cars, not less than 9 Cobras finished in the top 25; in order, Wade, Mike Moran, Fred, Larry, Doug Smith, Hubbell, Tink, Knotts, and Craig Smith. Counting Chipper and his disreputable wee leprechaun of a car (sigh, I suppose we must), four CACC drivers were in the top ten. Second, only 2.1 seconds separated 1st from 10th place, and within that rare fast company no one marque dominated: the ten top places included Reynards, Cobras, a Honda, and an Ultralite.
The lesson? Anyone coming to Cumberland with a chip on the shoulder, expecting to win, is likely to have it knocked off, and go home a loser, on any given day. That’s what keeps this fresh and exciting, and should keep even the hottest drivers’ helmet sizes under control. Every event sees another twist and turn of the cards.
We finished early, and had some down time waiting for the after race picnic. As I reflected on the day’s remarkable events, and swapped tales and discreetly relaxed in the paddock after our runs, Wade graced me with a cold bottle of a truly remarkable home brew he had made. Hoppy and fragrant as an IPA, it was also rich, dark and malty as a porter. Great stuff. I am afraid I drank more than my share. Chamberlain also bestowed upon Gary – who disdains trendy “craft brews” and favors less challenging concoctions like Coor’s Lite – a special blend Wade had meticulously brewed up just for Hughes, which Wade dubbed “Chipper Lite.” Intrigued, but, surprisingly without suspicion, the Mudhen quickly quaffed the remainder of his manly Mike’s Lemonade, excited to sample this special blend. His excitement quickly turned to chagrin. As the first draught passed over his thirsty lips, he realized that the Weasel had elaborated decanted into a bottle plain water; Wee Man’s silent protest and testament to Chipper’s taste in beer. All was captured for you, the reader, by the unblinking eye of a free and fair press.
DAMN that's Tasty!
Anticipation. . .
Punked Again!Boggs and company mosied over, and asked what we thought of his course. After a quick exchange of views and twenties, he allowed that he would consider making tomorrow’s front section more open and flowing.
Just as we were covering the BDC against threatening clouds gathering overhead, but not quick enough to shroud its resplendent metallic sky blue, it was espied by the eagle eye of Cobra gadfly and general PITA Patrick. Gamely disengaging from the Venus flytrap that is conversing with him, we scattered like the winds, peeling out to head for the picnic.
That event at Doc Mike’s was truly exceptional. We arrived early, to find the guest of honor, a whole hog, completing the final stages of an all day roast for our benefit. Also, delicious sweet corn, boiled in the iron cauldron, was in, and it was spectacular. We chowed down shamelessly, and traded lies and jokes in great company, enjoying the hospitality of our gracious and understanding hosts.
Corn
Corn DogsLater we met back at the bar. As we nursed our drinks, we were joined by a large contingent of next generation Cumberland racers. Mike and Jen Moran, then Paul, Mustang Boy, Rob Roberson, and another ST guy. In an absolutely unprecedented CACC development, I suddenly noticed at our convivial table several charming actual females! Sitting down and ordering drinks! Who did not run away immediately or demand money! While all were “attached,” it is still remarkable in itself, and they gave and got with the best of them as the night wore on. Then again, Pinky and Condom Boy were not in attendance, so its hard to say if that affected the outcome, or if this is a persistent trend. Still, all in all, an encouraging sign of civilization. I paid up and left before the party broke up, but I heard tell that Paul placed surreptitiously on his buddy’s camera a memento photograph, that may become “the Fluffer’s” new CACC avatar, if his pal comes through and sends it to me, and it is not blocked by “net nanny” software the world over.
Tune in for Part II, next.
